In order to write what I plan to, I need to set down a basis of what I experienced a long time ago that I no longer talk about. I wrote this entry elsewhere in 2012, and reading back on it today, I think I was right about losing this “gift.”I can’t channel those signs that used to predict things to me. I’ve been more focused lately in trying to see them, and I’m barely making those connections again. I know I opened a door, and that’s what I plan to write about. This is the beginning of that story.
Prologue:
I have no problem saying I feel as if I’m a spiritual being. That doesn’t mean that I can prophesy, nor can I make miracles happen. I can’t do anything like that at all, however, I’ve been blessed with the gift of knowledge and interpretation of the Bible. I realize how crazy it can sound, but given the circumstances I’ve endured, seen, and heard, I’ve wanted to get this out and off my chest for the world to know for sometime now, but I never knew how to say it until now.
“You have the cool clear eyes of a seeker of wisdom and truth, yet there’s that upturned chin and the grin of impetuous youth, I believe in you, I believe in you. I hear the sound of good solid judgment whenever you talk. – Frank Sinatra & Count Basie
Just to quickly jot down “why now,” I feel like I’m being given these words for those who have their doubts that have undergone these thoughts and disregarded them. Sometimes I feel crazy because of how differently I interpret the Bible than other Christians, or so I feel. When I used to read it when I was a kid, I read it at face value and never understood a word of it, and for that I just read for the sake of saying I read it. Now that I’m older, there’s so much depth, I can’t help but not be able to make it applicable to my life or reality, and I’m not talking solely about Revelations.
“It’s so alive” is the only way I can explain it when I read it, especially when I’m reading it while I’m “in the spirit.”
So as my readers, I hope you all don’t judge too harshly for the following things I’m going to admit to you.
So here’s the beginning of my story.
I used to smoke frequently, and obviously I don’t mean cigarettes. Weed is said to broaden your mind, but when I first started smoking, that never happened. In fact, I remember watching the tv, which was on mute, while the radio was on and thinking that the song on was apart of this detergent commercial that was on. Time seemed to go by so fast and everything was hilarious. I was hardly able to communicate when I was high. I’d just sit there, listen and laugh. Talking would just make me feel stupid because my words would end up jumbled up.
Once I began getting used to it, I could talk and think in depth about topics. Really, it was just in depth rambling about things that didn’t matter, but they always held up a conversation really well. For instance, my friends and I would chat up a storm about what things we could create to get our laundry downstairs from our balcony, safely, that was about 4 stories up. We would come up with these outrageous prototypes that didn’t get any further than a drawn out blue-print. Those days led to seriously creative highlights in my life, things like many of my drawings that I’m really proud of actually. I wish I still drew like that..
Anyways
The first moment I began getting serious, Biblical, thoughts was when I smoked at my roommate’s parent’s house while they were still at work. I never wrote about it on here, and I never wrote about it in my journal where I keep my more personal thoughts, but my “friends” then knew about it. I had told them because on a few occasions they said they’d gotten thoughts about God, and I had trusted them since I had never gotten thoughts about God while being high. That first time thinking about God while I was high, I was scared.
Before I get into this any deeper, understand I was not hallucinating. I was fully aware of where we were and what we were doing. I knew we were sitting in her backyard chatting about how much we all hated school, however, my internal thoughts were on overdrive. I didn’t realize then, but I know now that I had tapped into a portion of my subconscious that majority of people never are able to do. I could properly function and communicate with people, without even thinking like we normally do, but in my head it was so different. I was talking with God, but for me, talking to him was similar to those moments where your friend is talking and you finish their sentence. I knew what the next word was going to be. The crazy part of all this was that I was thinking in tongues, which I didn’t know was a thing until sometime afterwards. My dad was brought up Protestant, even though he converted to Christianity with my mother years ago. I only say that because when God told me to tell my mom that I smoked, which was one of the many things he told me in a later time, she told me that some of my cousins on my dad’s side who were Protestant believed they could communicate to God in this other language. I’ve only done it twice, and although I understood it in the moment, I never understood a word of it after I thought it.
The second time I spoke in tongues, I tried writing it down once as I was saying it aloud, because I could only write it phonetically. I was so scared and thought I was possessed by the devil or going absolutely crazy. I didn’t understand a thing but in the moment. After I came down from my high and read what I had written, I begged God to give me a sign that this was from Him or something else. Finally I asked the right way, and yes there is a right way to ask for things, I opened exactly to this verse and instantly knew this was my answer:
1 Corinthians 12, “Now dear brothers and sisters, regarding your question about the special abilities the Spirit give us. I don’t want you to misunderstand this. You know that when you were still pagans, you were led astray and swept away in worshiping speechless idols. So I want you to know that no one speaking by the Spirit of God will curse Jesus, and no one can say Jesus is Lord but by the Holy Spirit. There are different kinds of spiritual gifts, but he same Spirit is the source of them all. There are different kinds of service, but we serve the same Lord. God works in different ways, but it is the same God who does the work in all of us. A spiritual gift is given to each of us so we can help each other. To one person the Spirit gives us the ability to give wise advice, to another the same Spirit gives a message of special knowledge. The same Spirit gives great faith to another and the same Spirit gives the gift of healing. He gives one the power to perform miracles, and another the ability to prophecy. He gives someone the ability to discern whether a message is from the Spirit of God or from another Spirit. Still another person is given the ability to speak in unknown languages, while another is given the ability to interpret what is being said. It is the one and only Spirit who distributes all these gifts. He alone decides which gift each person should be given.”
I was listening to God. I know I was, because I was fearful, but out of respect from the overwhelming power I could feel. In my mind’s eye I could see things like these massive blue book(s) with gold writings on the spine. I couldn’t tell you never if there was one or more, but I remember one that was open and massive. Then I remember getting into my friend’s car, and thinking that we’d already lived this life once before and we were on our second chance to make things right. That God loves us, but he’s so angry with us, and I had told everyone in the car that this is what God was telling me. That he was so angry… They just laughed, and I thought I was crazy too… When I go to my dorm, I just sat in my room and cried because I was so embarrassed of the stupidity of how I had acted and how they reacted. I felt alone, and my thoughts were still racing without me even thinking. I didn’t know what to do..
I remember I talked to my friend Adam about it a little, but he thought there was something in the weed and didn’t believe me. That hurt a lot, because I just needed someone to listen, because I wasn’t paranoid, I had questions about life and whether it was a Christian way of thinking or just me thinking in-depth like a really high person. I never talked to him again about it after that because of the stepped-on pride, and instead turned to my cousin Morgan to confide in. She, although so skeptical and was so quick to dismiss just the discussion of God alone initially, has found herself in the better place with God. She’s been getting her act together gradually, and has been pursuing her own walk with God. She’s heard me ramble, my concerns, my thoughts in the spirit, my dreams and my visions, for a lack of a better word, and she and the Christian community I listen and take part in now all comply with what I felt in those moments.
I just want to say, real quick, for those that haven’t experienced this, his voice is not audible. At least for me. I can “hear” him in the sense that I can tell the difference between my thoughts and his now, but I used to differentiate it by the fact that these thoughts that I knew were not mine would be finished by me understanding.
And for those that feel that smoking weed open’s the door for the devil, I feel like you can be right. I feel that weed unlocks the subconscious mind where we aren’t able to tap into consciously, easily. I think that secret pocket in our mind is a part of where our spirituality is kept; how we can attain the other side, that very much is dangerous. Whether you’re close to the light or darkness, or in-between, determines where your thoughts will lie, and what will speak to your spirit. Everyone has a spirit within themselves, and I feel it’s influenced by whatever we let touch it. I didn’t go to church during those days, but because I thought I was crazy for thinking I was speaking with God, I went to church voluntarily for the first time in almost a decade. There I began to personally seek Him, rather the Catholic mindless agreeances I was used to. I began to get answers to questions I had, and I had “answers” that the church believed in, as well as some Pre-Socratic seeming ideas that I learned about before I knew any philosophers or their ideas.
Romans 8:5-9, “Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit. So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace. So the sinful nature is always hostile to God. It never did obey God’s laws, and it never will. That’s why those who are still under the control of their sinful nature can never please God. But you are not controlled by your sinful nature. You are controlled by the Spirit if you have the Spirit of God living in you.”
Because I’ve become less scared and more willing to tap into my spirit and communication with God and his angels, I’m able to witness miracles that are almost as subliminal as everything else in this world. I remember writing that everything was a sign from God, but we couldn’t see these things until we grew in the spirit.
Hebrews 2:4, “And God Confirmed the message by giving signs and wonders and various miracles and gifts of the holy spirit whenever He chose.”
Hebrews 3:7, “Today when you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as Israel did when they rebelled, when they tested me in the wilderness. There your ancestors tested and tried my patience even though they saw my miracles for forty years.”
I know I’m living with the spirit because I’ve announced publicly and within my heart I live with the Holy Spirit, Jesus Christ is my Saviour ,and God is my only God and the only truth I know for certain of. I also know, because my mind knew scriptures that I didn’t even know existed until I pursued to know exactly who My God and Jesus were. I’m still learning, but I know who they are, and I love talking about Him. I believe I know Him well…
1 Timothy 5:11, “Teach these things and insist that everyone learn them. Don’t let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity, Until I get there, focus on reading Scriptures to the church, encouraging the believers, and teaching them.”
So why did I want to write about this today? Because when I thought that maybe God had taken back whatever spiritual gift He’d given me, I was reading Luke 8:4, which read:
Jesus told a story in the form of a parable to a large crowd that had gathered from many tows to hear him. “A farmer went out to plant his seed. As he scattered it across his field, some seed fell on the foot path, where it was stepped on, and the birds ate it. Other seed fell among the rocks. It began to grow, but the plant soon wilted and died for lack of moisture. Other seed fell among thorns that grew up with it and choked out the tender plants. Still other seed fell on fertile soil. This seed grew and produced a crop that was a hundred times as much as had been planted” When he said this, he called out, “Anyone with ears to hear should listen and understand.”
When I read this, immediately I knew he was talking about the different types of not just people, but Christians, and how many of us get lost. How easy it is to get stomped out of their faith, with little to no chance to start a foundation with Christ. How hard it is to nourish the Spirit if you’re “stuck between a rock and a hard place,” or how difficult it is to stay strong when everything around you prevents you from wanting to expose yourself because of the hurt pride that could come along with pushing through those sharp thorns. There are lucky ones, like myself and others, who were placed where we were meant to be, so we could grow and help others grow too. As you keep reading into Luke 8:9, Jesus tells explicitly what the parable meant, and I was ecstatic to know that God allowed me to understand exactly what he was saying.
Luke 8:18, “So pay attention to how you hear. To those who listen to my teaching, the more understanding you will be given. But for those who are not listening, even what they think they understand will be taken away from them.”
Anyone who may not want to, but finds that a part of them is curious. Curiosity is a blessing, and the only thing that the devil wasn’t counting on when Eve bit into the apple of knowledge. She and Adam didn’t know everything, they were just given the ability to be aware and learn, and since that was the way we ended up in this situation, it only makes sense that questioning and learning is the only way to get back there.
And finally, I didn’t have any of these verses memorized. Most of them, like I said, didn’t know existed. I only knew of the first one I showed you all, and last one. The rest was found after looking for that first one, and they each caught my eye, as I felt they helped support my justification that I live, breath, see, hear, walk and think within the Spirit. It’s almost like a muscle like anything else, and I wish I could show more people this, because this way other thinking is so different from anything we’re used to, anything I’ve never been used to thinking like. What was something that never even phased me, now is on my mind more often than not. I wish I could just talk to more people about it without the criticism.
wildsunfox 